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This Adventure, Our Life: Marvelous Mondays

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Marvelous Mondays

It is Monday today, time to start a new week...

On this Marvelous Monday I am going to share something near to my heart.  I have not talked about Bailey's Birth Story as of yet (so a lot of the story and details will be left out), so I will leave that for a different blogging time as I am not quite ready.  

Tony and I prepared for my whole pregnancy for Bailey's birth, we talked endlessly about our desires, and especially how we wanted Bailey to come into this world.  I was open to many other options regarding pain medication although I did not want to have a c-section.  To me at the time, a c-section is an unnatural way to bring a baby into the world, plus, it is a major surgery.  Tony and I attended Bradley Birthing class and were prepared to have our baby using these methods.  I was more than excited to experience birthing our baby, and imagined the scenario in my head many times, and dreamed of holding my baby right after she came out.  I, being a plan oriented person had a birth plan (although I knew we would not follow everything about it) and I knew that I wanted Tony and My Mom there with me, this was the most important fact.  Both those people know me, know my limits, my wants, how to comfort me, and support me.  

When I went into labor with Bailey, things got difficult, her heart rate went very high, I was running a fever, she was sunny side up, and well we got to 7 centimeters dilated and then waited there for 4 hours with no change.  My doctor was awesome, he knew my wishes and let me stay at 7 centimeters for longer than usual, he did this so that I would know that he gave my body a chance to progress and did not cut me short.  I was in extreme pain, having excruciating back labor...  They monitored Bailey, but her heart rate would not go down, that is when they put me in for an emergency cesarean section.  

When they told me my heart sank... my dreams fell. I felt like a complete failure.  I felt like something was being taken away from me that I wanted so bad!  At this point all I could think about was Bailey, and making sure she was okay.

As they wheeled me in for my c-section I was very tired.  I had been in labor for 20-25 hours at this point.  Once I got into the operating room, I felt an overwhelming tired feeling.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  My body just started to shut down at this point.  I remember certain things.  Seeing my Mom and Tony there, them holding my hand, when Bailey came out I remember everyone saying things like: "Wow, she is a big baby", "She has a beautiful head of hair", and that she was "Covered with body butter".  I remember just listening for her to cry and her loud cries throughout the room; I remember looking over and seeing them clean her up and glancing at her as the nurses were doing their jobs, but after that I remember nothing (until later when they wheeled me into the NICU to see her, I will never forget that).  That is the part that kills me inside, the nothing part.  Tony said I just could not stay awake and they tried to wake me up.  

Till this month that was the thing I could not handle.  I missed out on my baby's birth.  For the weeks after her birth I looked through the photos my Mom had taken (I am SOO very thankful for all those photos, even the ones from the NICU, that are harder for me to see), hoping to remember something, hoping I could go back.  I could not even handle looking at them and would break down crying every time.  People told me after Bailey's birth that at least she was healthy (as this statement is true) at the time this is the last thing I wanted to hear.  I could not even talk about her birth without crying.  I could not even handle looking at my scar, the reminder of what happened that day and how Bailey had to come into the world.

This was my perspective, and I have not stopped thinking about this since Bailey was born.  through thinking about this whole situation I have come to find peace with it.  Peace with having to have an operation to bring Bailey into this world, Peace that I did not get to have the experience of having Bailey naturally, and Peace with this 8 inch scar.  I realized that Bailey is the end product and that is one of happiness.  That however she entered this world, it is her Birth Story.  That is is beautiful, because I carried her for 40 weeks, and she is here and healthy.  I am fortunate that my husband wrote all about her whole birth story day by day, which I treasure and have read many times.  In the days after we returned home he sat down with me and told me about every photo in detail, so now I share many of his memories.  Now, I still do deep in my heart wish that this was not the way it needed to be.  I have realized that everything happens for a reason in life, I might have not figured out the reason.  I had to be strong in ways I did not think I could be.  I had never been through surgery, I had 2 epidurals, and 20-25 hours of labor.  My scar has become my reminder that Bailey is here with me and always will be.  

Bailey's birth story might not be how I pictured it, but she is more than I could ever have imagined.  She is what made everything about this situation good.  She has taught me how to be a mommy.  

In this journey I have realized that I am very lucky to have Bailey here, no matter how she came.  Some people do not get the opportunity to have children, some people have lost their children, some children have cancer and so many other heartbreaking situations, ones that we can not control, that are out of our power.  Trying to trust that out of every situation, beauty arises.  

On this Marvelous Monday, I am thankful for how my baby came into this world.
What is something that did not go as planned that you are thankful for?

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